This is a long post but worth the read if you find yourself struggling with un-supportive family members....
I know that there's a mom out there like me. The mom who tries everything she can just to keep it all together while she runs her household without any support system. All because at some point in her life she decided she was better off without one. Because she convinced herself that doing it alone was better then doing it with people who didn't care.
I remember being a young mom with young kids and telling myself I was gonna be better than the life I came from. The bad traits were gonna stop at me. I was determined to be a "cycle breaker". I came from a long line of family members that didn't always make the best decisions. Alcoholism, addiction, abuse .....the list goes on and on. I made it my mission to never let my children be around darkness like that.
I was gonna shine so much light on my children, that the darkness wasn't going to be able to touch them.
This journey of motherhood is one of the hardest tasks God has assigned. Feeling like you're doing it alone is a horrible feeling. Have you ever heard the phrase "It takes a village?" Well, it really does! But not in the way the world has you believe.
Watching your children grow up without their grandparents is extremely painful. When their young they don't understand. They don't know that you're protecting them. All they know is that they have a small family. It's not until they are older that they start to ask more detailed questions as to why mommy and daddy don't talk to certain family members. It hurts to see our children go without wisdom from a grandmother, or historic adventures from their grandfather. It is not about going without birthday calls or gifts, or not seeing them at Christmas dinner. Parents can give them all of those things. It's not about financial support or not having someone to call if the car breaks down. I mean we can get a job or call AAA for those things. What hurts is not having the influence our children deserve. It's about knowing that someone else besides mommy and daddy love them enough to pour into them.
Grandparents have experience that parents don't. Honestly, by not being involved, that knowledge is being ripped away from them. You are probably tired of explaining to your children, why the sin is so much stronger then the un-supportive family's love for them.
As a parent with no village i get it. You're probably tired of explaining to your kids,, why not having their grandparents is less painful then being exposed to them. It's about the memories, and the stories that they will never get to tell. It's about seeing them cry whenever grandparents day comes at school. It's about wiping their tears because they don't understand how as a parent we would never do that to them, yet their grandparents do it to us. It's about ryingbto teach them that family is everything while at the same time keeping their grandparents away from them.
It's the frustration we feel in trying to explain why they're enough, when they don't feel like they are.
Sometimes, the pain comes simply because as a parent we watch in amazement at how wonderful these sweet babies are.....And how sad it is that your not part of it. It really sucks at how much you are missing out on.
So as you grow as a parent and as you grow as a Christian, you start questioning whether or not you're making the right decisions in family interaction.
Having an un-involved extended family makes it a lot harder to raise kids. But only if your looking at this hurdle from a worldly view. This hurdle I like to call "No village parenting."
It was important for me to start viewing this hurdle from a Biblical perspective. Otherwise I was always going to be resentful and bitter.
There are a lot of moms that can relate to this. You know the moms with daddy issues, or the moms who fight with their own mothers regularly.
Then there are moms with the anxiety from a childhood of trauma. A lot of these mothers have no support system.
But there are also a lot of mothers who have no idea what toxic family feels like. They grew up with the comfort and peace of knowing that they can always count on their mom and dad. However, they have not the slightest clue as to what mothers with no support system actually go through. Now I am a big supporter of family dynamic being strong. I think grandparents, and parents being directly involved is how it is supposed to be. It is all part of God's glorious design.
Mothers that have a big family support system are more blessed than they probably realize.
Which is absolutly amazing. That's how it should be.
I have had to make some tough decisions in my own life about who I let in my children's life. Sometimes I was sure. Sometimes I was unsure. Sometimes I felt guilty. But once I did a whole lot of praying and a whole lot of searching, I came to peace with my decisions.
So I am writing today to the mamas who feel alone and unsupported.......
You have never been unsupported. You only felt like you were....Let me explain....
Whether you are a new mom, or an experienced mom...God has or will at some point place people in your path to support you. He will start putting together your village.. How we receive God's help is up to us. The pain of family can cause us to not trust as easy, so we have a tendency of pushing this help away because that's how we protect ourselves. That's our survival tactic. We think to ourselves "No I don't trust them". You only think this because you feel as though you have always had to do things on your own. So why stop now right?
News flash!
You never did it alone.
You just never gave God the credit for getting through it without family.
He was always there. Right there in that storm with you.
Now there will be people in front of you that make you feel bad for not talking to your family. But the Bible never touches on extended family directly.
We are supposed to obey our mother and father. That's clear. We are to cling to our spouse. Thats's clear.
But the Bible is also clear about sin.
Don't let people tell you that you are wrong for cutting family out of your life!!
When you have family that is being sinful and you are living a Christian life, you are not wrong for refusing to be around sinners . This is no longer about protecting your heart. This is about protecting your soul.
Jesus dined with sinners with the sole purpose of winning them over. He told them of the good news in the hopes they would see the light. If you have preached to your family, if you have prayed for family, then you do not have to associate with them. You do not have to associate yourself with sin, just because they are blood. Jesus' blood is far more important. Because the hard truth is, you can't save them. Only Jesus' can save them. So if you have to walk away from toxicity in order to protect your children. Then you do it.
Do not feel guilty mamas. You are not wrong. Your babies are not yours. They are arrows you are sending out oneday, for His purpose. Protect those arrows. You can pray for your family members. You can pray that God sends them a helper that they will listen too. But unfortunately is not you.
Jesus told the disciples if people don't receive the Gospel, then kick the dirt off of your shoes.
Mommas, listen..... The burden to save your unsupportive family members is not your burden to bare. God will intervene for them. Your burden is to those children. It is to your husband. Don't get anxiety because of sinners. You will be a much better mama once you stop blaming yourself for the fact that you chose peace over chaos. I want you to remember that the sin created the divide. Not the person. Not you. Not them. But the sin. Pray for them. God will send His great workers in His time. For His Plan.
My blood family, is whoever God places in my life.
My blood family are the ones who live because of the blood Jesus shed.
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